the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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