took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
