why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
