At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
