god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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