Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
