I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
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