dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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