thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
