i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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