When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
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I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
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The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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