i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
