I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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