mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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