Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
