I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
