1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
