Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm always down for nudity.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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