Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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