you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
no you cant smoke seaweed
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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