can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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