my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
