And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
we're chasing vodka with high fives
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
