No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
