the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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