Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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