I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
