Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
This toilet bowl is my home.
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