it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
