he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
