So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I am mentally ready for anal.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
