i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
