I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
