Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
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RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
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Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize