i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
