The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
