i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
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