Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
