i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Randomize
