Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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