I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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