I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
