i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
