I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
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