i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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