the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
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It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
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I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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