Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
