Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
