Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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