Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
