i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
