Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
