btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
