Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
