Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
