Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
