im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
