Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
