Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
