Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
There's even glitter on my cock...
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