On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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