Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
