sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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