If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
