I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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